


all hurt (no comfort)

by calmena



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-04-18
Packaged: 2018-03-23 14:12:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3771214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calmena/pseuds/calmena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He sleeps and he dreams about exploding heads and blood and gunshots and blood and blood and <i>blood</i>. (<i>In the mornings, he’s hoarse from screaming.</i>)</p><p>In which Eggsy starts seeing Harry. He does not turn out to be real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all hurt (no comfort)

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve never given a fic a more honest title.
> 
> There are so many fics where Eggsy thinks he's going just seeing things, when Harry is actually real. What if Harry wasn't?
> 
> Basically, I was sad and chose to express it in writing. A bit different writing style, because apparently this is how I write sad things. I put thought into this, I’m kinda proud of myself.
> 
> Warnings: Angst like whoa. I don't know what type of psychological illness Eggsy would be considered to have here, but I'm pretty sure PTSD is part of it. Seriously, err on the side of caution. Some violence (though if you saw the movie you’ll be okay), but mostly… angst. ANGST. I feel like I can’t mention that often enough.

He comes back to London and gets his mum and Daisy away from Dean. He helps them settle in at their new home ( _Harry’s old home_ ) and he only breaks down a little, and only when he can convince himself that nobody is looking ( _there’s so much else to look up/for/after/into, nobody has time to ask agents if they're_ okay).

He sleeps and he dreams about exploding heads and blood and gunshots and blood and blood and _blood_. ( _In the mornings, he’s hoarse from screaming._ )

Then he reminds himself that he’s a Kingsman now, and he doesn’t hesitate when Merlin mentions something about a new mission. He flies to Norway ( _Germany, India, Spain_ ) and he kills people and steals things, and reminds himself that it’s for the greater good ( _for whatever that’s worth_ ).

He comes back and he gets sent out again, because in the aftermath of V-day, Merlin always has a new mission ( _so many missions_ ) and can’t afford not to send him out ( _even if he looks like he wants to_ ).

And Eggsy kills people and steals things, and he doesn’t think.

He shoots a man in the head and it doesn't remind him of-- ( _He almost believes it, if he tells it to himself often enough._ )

( _He also doesn’t sleep anymore, but that’s something nobody needs to know._ )

* * *

When he sees Harry for the first time, he thinks it’s because of the drugs.

He hadn’t been careful enough _(because fuck that, being careful is exhausting)_ and he’d gotten caught, and now his captors are trying to torture him for… something ( _information, probably, but he stopped paying attention a while ago)_.

His chest hurts ( _he doesn’t notice at first, because it hasn’t stopped hurting since–_ ) and there’s a knife before his eyes ( _and a man holding it_ ), and he almost shouts ( _but he doesn't know what he would say if he did_ ), because for a moment he thinks it’s Harry ( _only that can’t be, because Harry is–_ ).

Harry-not-Harry says something, but then everything turns blurry and nothing hurts ( _everything hurts_ ). They gave him something, he remembers, but he doesn’t know what ( _and now the man before him is Harry_ ).

( _Only he isn’t, the man doesn’t actually look that much like Harry._ )

Roxy saves him, or maybe he saves himself ( _he can’t remember_ ). He stays in the infirmary for a few days before they’re sure the drugs are out of his system and he’s okay again ( _only he’s not_ ).

He asks for the next mission a day after they let him leave. Merlin gives him one because there’s nobody else to give it to and the world always needs to be saved.

( _Everything hurts so much._ )

* * *

Sometimes he just stops breathing until his lungs scream for air, just to see if it’ll hurt less like that.

( _It doesn’t._ )

* * *

It takes months for things to get better ( _only they don’t_ ). The world rebuilds itself ( _only it doesn’t_ ).

Eggsy kills people and steals things, and tells himself he’s doing his part to make the world safe again.

( _His chest never stops hurting, and breathing is so_ exhausting _._ )

* * *

Merlin tells him to take a break and he wants to scream. ( _There's too much time to think._ )

Instead, he steals a mission-file from Merlin’s desk and flies to France on his own. He leaves his glasses at HQ.

( _He almost gets killed, but he completes the mission._ )

( _He sees Harry again (this time he’s not drugged_ ))

He comes back and Merlin looks at him like he’s disappointed.

( _he’s not sorry_ )

* * *

Roxy stares at him, and he can’t read the look in her eyes.

“What’s going on with you?” she asks, and he wants to tell her that he wants to stop breathing. ( _it’s just so_ hard)

“Are you out of your mind?” she asks, and he wants to say yes. ( _but he doesn’t say anything_ )

“Go home and sleep,” she says, and Eggsy wants to laugh. ( _what home, he wants to ask her_ ( _he hasn’t seen his mum and Daisy in weeks_ ( _he thinks he’d be a bad influence_ )))

“Nothing’s going on,” he says, and smiles. ( _it feels wrong on his face_ ( _it hurts_ ))

“What’s the next mission, then?” he asks. ( _Roxy doesn’t answer_ )

( _she_ _starts staring at him a lot_ ( _he doesn’t look back_ ( _his chest hurts so much_ )))

* * *

He visits his mum and Daisy at their-his-their house. ( _it's different now_ ( _the newspaper articles are gone_ ( _and the the stuffed dog_ ( _and--_ )))

His mum looks at him like he’s a stranger.

She also looks like she wants to cry.

( _he doesn’t go back (he can’t pretend (not even for them))_ )

He sees Harry a lot, nowadays.

( _he always looks sad_ )

* * *

Merlin doesn’t give him another mission. ( _Eggsy didn’t think he would (he doesn’t deserve one (he stole the last one from his desk (he fucked up (he is fucked up))))_ )

Roxy talks, and she looks at him like he’s going to break. ( _he hasn’t listened since she told him to go home and sleep_ ( _he’s not going to break_ ( _but he always was a little broken_ )))

Merlin tries to talk to him exactly once. ( _but Eggsy just asks him for another mission_ ( _he needs something to do_ ( _he’s thinking too much_ ( _he can’t–_ ))))

They give him a room in the mansion and they watch him. ( _it's not like he has anywhere else to go_ )

* * *

He spends a lot of time in the infirmary. ( _as good a place as any_ ( _he’d rather_ do _something_ ( _he’d rather make the world whole again_ ( _he can’t make himself whole_ ))))

A woman tries to talk to him once, about how he feels. ( _only once_ ( _he stares at her_ ( _and then she turns into Harry_ ( _he stops staring when that happens_ ( _he doesn’t talk_ )))))

( _his chest hurts_ )

* * *

They give him something. ( _it makes everything blurry_ ( _they drugged him, he thinks_ ( _he sees Harry and he doesn't complain_ ( _he starts talking_ ( _what else is there to do? (Harry talks back)_ )))))

It gets better after that. ( _worse_ ( _better_ ( _worse_ ( _better)_ )))

Nothing hurts.

( _everything hurts_ )

**Author's Note:**

> Title is actually pretty much the working title.
> 
> Yes, the rising number of parentheses and declining punctuation in those were on purpose. They were supposed to show Eggsy’s declining mental health.
> 
> Seriously, he blew up a few hundred people’s heads and just generally killed a lot. You can’t tell me he was just alright afterwards. Also, Harry.


End file.
